


let go

by picnik97



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Episode: s03e20 City of Glass, Hopeful Ending, Introspection, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2020-02-16 11:05:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18690226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/picnik97/pseuds/picnik97
Summary: with the ghost of magnus's touch on his hand, his waist, his lips, and magnus' expression seared into his memory, alec lets go.an introspective take on alec's feelings in the final scene of 3x20.





	let go

**Author's Note:**

> i loved matt's performance in this scene so much that it inspired me to write for the first time in years. u can rly see alec's contradicting feelings of love n despair and that's what i tried to get across in this. hope u enjoy!

somehow, even as alec feels more whole than he has in days, everything is falling apart.

magnus is here, and he knows, he _knows_. not just about the deal with asmodeus, or alec's stupid, self-sacrificing decision, but about the ring, the proposal, the marriage, and-

he's engaged. to the love of his life. and as he looks into magnus' eyes, standing in his homeland, surrounded by his family, hearing the world crash and burn around them, he can't help but be overwhelmed. he wants to laugh and cry at the irony of it all. he finally has magnus back, and magnus has his magic back, they're both _whole_. but it's bittersweet, because now his fiancé is suggesting a journey to edom like it's nothing, like it's as simple as a trip to tokyo and back, but it's not and they all know it.

it's taking all alec's willpower to fight back the tears in his eyes and the despair in his heart long enough to watch magnus go, to say, _it's only edom. you always come back._ even as he knows it's not true. alec can tell, he knows magnus well enough by now to know that he's hiding his fear behind throwaway lines when he responds, _never thought i'd be a runaway groom._ and it's all he can do to not breakdown right there, but he manages a small smile, and it's enough. it has to be. they're both hurting, and terrified, and everything is falling apart, but they have to make light of the situation and downplay it's gravity. because, well, if they didn't, how would they survive being apart like this?

alec knows that magnus is terrified of returning to edom, but he also knows that he is terrified of losing those he loves, and when it comes to choosing between saving others and saving himself, magnus will always choose the former. he's proved that more times than alec can recall. and so, alec watches him go. he lets him go without so much as a goodbye kiss, or any sort of goodbye at all. all they're left with is the lingering promise of rings on fingers and the possibility of a future that says, _you and me, together._

with the ghost of magnus's touch on his hand, his waist, his lips, and magnus' expression seared into his memory, alec lets go. magnus is gone, and suddenly he sees the world burning around him. _so this is what a world without magnus is like,_ he thinks bitterly. alec lets go, and he falls, and he falls, and he falls. knees bruising on the cold stone floor, heart breaking under the pressure of all that is lost, ears ringing with the sounds of destruction. he lets go.

he's raw, sliced open, a specimen on a biology student's desk, but he can't bring himself to care. he's dimly aware of his family, his friends, placing warm hands on his body and offering comfort, but he can't focus on them enough to acknowledge it. he feels like he's in sensory overload, every noise and every touch is too much and he can barely breathe, his vision clouded with tears and his mind repeating _magnus, magnus, magnus._ it's too much, and alec has never felt this kind of pain; not when he was drowning in guilt over jocelyn's death, and not even when jace died back at lake lyn. the relief he experienced mere minutes ago when he kissed magnus feels insignificant and ridiculously distant, like a long lost memory of a previous life. it's been replaced with complete despair. he's breaking down, utterly broken and feeling _so much_. he never used to be a feeler, or at least that's what he had convinced himself. and yet here he is, kneeling on the spot his fiancé had been standing seconds ago, chasing the memory of his presence and letting the tears spill down his cheeks at the gaping hole left behind in his heart. he feels empty, but at the same time he can't help but be filled to the brim with love, bursting at the seams with the knowledge that magnus is his _fiancé_. it hurts more than he ever thought was possible.

_you always come back. you always come back. he always comes back._ alec barely believes his own words, barely believes that magnus can come back, but when he sees the sparks of blue illuminating the sky and consuming the angry redness of edom that was spilling into alicante, he lets the hope in his chest grow just a fraction. the warm, comforting crackle of magnus' magic fills the atmosphere all around them, and alec lets it seep into his very core, closing his eyes with the knowledge that one day, be it two days or two decades in the future, they will find their way back to each other. they always do.

**Author's Note:**

> can someone #saveshadowhunters already i don't wanna say goodbye yet
> 
> twitter @softpjmin


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